


Selected Extracts from the Diary of an Anonymous Contemporary of Harry Potter

by rorywritesstuff



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Diary, Gen, Outsider's Perspective, Parody, Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead - Freeform, Sarcasm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-05-25 05:38:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6182626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rorywritesstuff/pseuds/rorywritesstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At long last, find out what it was like to be a student at Hogwarts during the tenure of its most famous student.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

1993

Dear Diary,

My best friend was petrified today. They say she'll be okay when they harvest the mandrakes in the greenhouses but I don't know why they can't just bring in some mandrake potion from somewhere else? Surely they stockpile this stuff in case a monster is let loose in a building full of children, right?

Dear Diary,

they still haven't shut the school. After three people have been paralysed. I'm starting to think that no one on the outside knows what's happening and that's why the victims haven't been taken to an actual hospital instead of just being kept in the Nurse's office.

1994

Dear Diary,

There's a serial killer on the loose in the school. For some reason, the police aren't investigating, but they have sent a bunch of Sadness-Monsters to float about pointlessly and occasionally induce depression. Professor Dumbledore said they're just as likely to attack us as they are criminals so I wonder how they're classified as guards and not feral animals.

Dear Diary,

Today I found out that Professor Lupin had taught Harry Potter a way to ward off the Dementors. I don't know why he didn't teach that to the rest of us. In fact, I think that really there should have been an assembly teaching every student how to cast that spell in case the Dementors try to goad us into killing ourselves.

1995

Dear Diary,

Someone died in this contest they held at school.

Also, it turned out another one of our teachers was a murderer today. I have to admit, I kind of suspected something when he tortured living spiders in front of us despite expressly telling us it was illegal.

I really don't want to attend here, but mum says it's the only school in the country.

1996

Dear Diary,

Today, Harry Potter and his friends invited me to join a fight club. I don't know what they think school is for.

They said we need to learn to defend ourselves, which I guess is true, but I got the impression that they wanted us to try the spells out on each other and that's a horrible idea. Also, I'm not sure I trust the boy who's been shouting in class and breaking things all year to run something like that- it seems to me like he has anger issues.

Dear Diary,

Today they cancelled Quidditch. Oh no. Oh what a shame. This is such a travesty. I really hope they bring it back soon. I just can't live without bloody Quidditch.

Signed,

Nobody

Dear Diary

We've got a new headmistress and everyone hates her because she's really strict, but I hope that this way there may be less spider torture in the classroom. And maybe fewer teachers will turn out to be mass-murderers.

1997

Dear Diary,

Harry Potter is cheating in Potions. It's really unfair on the rest of us. I want to call him out on it but I hear he slashed Draco in the toilets and now I'm kind of afraid of him.

1998

Dear Diary,

there was a shootout in my school today. I went to hide in a cupboard, and I found myself in a land filled with snow and talking animals.

It sucks.


	2. Chapter 2

1992  
Dear Diary,  
We've got a new teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts- they say the job's cursed and I hope that's not true because otherwise it's kind of irresponsible to keep hiring people for it, right? I mean, Dumbledore's not an idiot. He could just rename the class.  
This new bloke's famous and has killed bunch of monsters, which in no way qualifies him to be a teacher. There are tests and stuff you have to do, I'm pretty sure. He may be good at magic, but that's not enough. You actually need to know how to impart knowledge. I cannot be the only person here who realises this.

Dear Diary,  
Professor Lockhart started a club where students practice fighting each other.  
We can enchant furniture to move around, why are we shooting fire AT EACH OTHER?!

Dear Diary,  
Draco Malfoy knows a spell to summon a snake from thin air. Who taught him that? Was it a teacher at this school? We're not allowed to do magic at home, so presumably. I can't help but wonder why they bothered. What possible use could that spell have for a twelve year old? Or anyone really? Who made that spell? What were they hoping to accomplish originally? This just raises so many questions.

1993  
Dear Diary,  
Professor Lockhart removed the bones in Harry Potter's arm.

I can't say I blame him.

Dear Diary,  
Professor Lockhart makes people sign his autograph as part of detention. I worry about this school's lax approach to both discipline and the legalities of fraud.


	3. Chapter 3

1991

Dear Diary,  
We all got sorted today. It was pretty fun, although everyone was watching and the hat was kind of just saying the contents of my thoughts aloud, which I didn’t really appreciate. Worse still, Harry Potter (yeah, that Harry Potter- we’re gonna be at school together) was kind of a dick about it: he kept on thinking ‘not Slytherin’ and that’s just ignorant. Okay, you-know-who was a Slytherin but then so was Merlin so I don’t get why everyone’s so down on them. Anyway, not only does Harry Potter just straight up insult a quarter of the entire student body on his first day, but the bloody Sorting Hat listened to him. So, are we allowed to just request houses now? I’m really amazed there’s anyone left in Hufflepuff (see, Harry, you can just write all your bile down in a diary where no one will ever read it.)  
**********  
Dear Diary,  
Harry Potter’s complaining that Professor Snape is mean to him and I keep thinking ‘yeah, maybe it’s because you dissed his entire house in front of everyone before you’d ever even met any of them’.

 

1993

Dear Diary,  
Harry Potter’s claiming that there was a sword in the Sorting Hat.  
I put that thing on my head.  
I could’ve been stabbed IN THE BRAIN. I literally had a sword dangling over me when they were choosing my house and they didn’t tell me.  
What the hell?!

 

1994

Dear Diary,  
Today Professor Moody took me aside and asked if I wanted to help Harry Potter in the Triwizard tournament. I said no because A) that’s cheating and B) he clearly shouldn’t be in the Tournament anyway because he’s not old enough. Professor Moody said he’s entered into a magical contract with the goblet and he’ll die if he doesn’t compete but that doesn’t mean has to try. He can just put in no effort and fail monumentally- I mean, he’s been doing it in most of his classes for years.


	4. Chapter 4

1996  
Dear Diary,  
Sirius Black is dead. But no one’s sad cos it turns out he’d been framed.  
…  
How does that happen, diary? We can literally travel back in time and watch the crimes take place. How do we ever arrest the wrong person? Plus, when did they not check what the last spell that Black’s wand had cast was- how does justice miscarry when we can read minds?  
Also, we have truth potion. Why did no one give it to Black when he was tried? Harry Potter was put on trial earlier this year (can’t say I’m surprised), and the Ministry were calling him a liar and I don’t get why they don’t just check first.   
On top of this, it turns out that Black was just hiding in his house. Did no one check there? Was there not a single member of the aurors who went to the address where he grew up? I really, really worry about the law enforcement in this society. It would actually be super-easy for Voldemort to come to power. I’m surprised it’s taken him this long, to be honest.


End file.
